just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
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