I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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