True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
