a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
send nudes
from the living room?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
