she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
