Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
do herpes really smell.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
