Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
nutella sex= disaster
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
All the doctor said was why
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
