ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
