I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
