her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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