my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
