I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
