she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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