Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
