My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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