You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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