If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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