oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
