i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
