i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
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