i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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