Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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