I think my fart just growled at me.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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