when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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