CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
