I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
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Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
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When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
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