if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
i barfeds in our rink
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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