Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
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July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
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Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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