Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize