1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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