you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
