My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
