i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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