Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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