I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
