judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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