I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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