dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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