just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
