Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
