please come you make the beer taste better
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
