i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
