Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
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