Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
