What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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