The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
