and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
someone owes me an orgasm
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
There's always time for handjobs
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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