His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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