we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
