I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
