Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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