OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I think i got beer on your cat.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize