Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
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