I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
