The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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