if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
