I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
