I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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